Weird 'Trends' From The Middle Ages That Have Us Scratching Our Heads
If you need perspective on your modern-day concerns, be grateful that you didn’t have to live through the tumultuous and strange Middle Ages. People were still figuring out the whole "being human experience" in Europe, and, in the process, engaged in some pretty weird traditions. From odd thoughts on moles and freckles to gross alternative hair sources, here are the strangest trends from the Medieval era that we're glad never stuck.
Courtly Love
Since their marriages were for political gain, people of the court needed some outlet to express their feelings of romance. This was “courtly love,” a system that allowed the royals to show affection for their crushes, while remaining married.
Messy Divorce
The most popular way to resolve a serious spousal dispute in Germany was trial by single combat. The unhappy couple went into a ring and fought each other, while following another bizarre set of rules for fighting. Whatever works, we guess.
Animal Laws
Animals were held to the same judicial process as humans. If they were accused of a crime, they had a trial. If they were convicted of their crime, they were sentenced to death by either being burnt at the stake or hanging. This hopefully taught the animals that crime doesn’t pay.
Look At Those Shoes!
Rich people loved to show off their wealth by wearing fancy clothes. For instance, European men had a period in which they all wore long, pointed shoes. The lengthiest shoes were stiffened with whalebone to hold their shape.
Forehead Oo La La
Medieval women hated hair. They saw their foreheads as their face’s central attraction. To draw more attention to this feature, some would pluck their eyebrows and eyelashes. The most devoted even plucked their hairlines into an oval.
Alternate Eyebrows
If a woman got tired of not having eyebrows after plucking them, she could make a pair from rodent fur. Sometimes their eyebrows stopped growing back after years of constant removal, and this was their only solution for hair.
Shrovetide
The ancient English were very serious about their favorite sport, Shrovetide football. Played in Derbyshire, England, there wasn’t a limit to how many people could participate in a game — which would take over a town — and matches often ended in violence.
Dying Day Dreams
Death was a major part of existence in the Middle Ages. People were concerned with making their own death as beautiful and peaceful as it could be. If their final moments were at hand, they tried to be free of despair, disbelief, impatience, pride or avarice, and fill themselves with peace.
Did You Mean Ox Or Unicorn?
When the Bible was mistranslated, it compared Jesus to a unicorn, instead of an ox. This idea grew around the medieval art communities, and unicorns became a major subject in their work.
Jesters Who Jest
Jesters were given the unique privilege to say pretty much anything. Whatever they said was ruled to be treated as jest, so some even gave their political opinions to their royal audience.
Playing with Food
Medieval chefs loved to experiment with different animal combinations during their meals. Helmeted cock was one of these meals. They sewed a rooster on top of a pig so it looked like it was riding the creature.
Feast of Fools
During the Feast of Fools in January, the upper and lower classes would switch places. A king of misrule was crowned during this raucous festival. There were parades, comedians, singing, and plenty of drinking.
Festival of the Ass
Another popular yearly tradition was the Festival of the Ass. A little girl would ride a donkey into a church during service. The churchgoers would then end all of their prayers in donkey noises, instead of “amen.” This lasted until the Protestant reformation.
Rose of Lily
Flowers and roots were used for lipstick – especially in shades of rose of lily. These connoted a sense of purity for the wearer didn’t offend the church as much. As long as the color wasn’t too bright, women could get away with wearing their homemade makeup.
Blondes
Another important female trend was being blond. Angels were depicted as blond, and women wanted to mimic this in their humanly forms. Once they achieved their desired shade, they wore opal necklaces to charm their hair into lightness.
And Brunettes
For those who wanted to go brunette, there were a few options. Women would cook roots and nuts and then soak their hair in the mixture. They would keep it in for two days before rinsing the solution.
"Is That A Freckle?
Moles, freckles, and birthmarks were associated with witchcraft at the time. There were a variety of ointments and home remedies for lightening or attempting to rid yourself of “unsightly” blemishes.
The Do In 'I Do'
Marriage traditions were much different in Medieval Europe. When children reached puberty, they were ready for marriage, and weddings were often a major event with plenty of public interest. Audiences would ensure the couple properly consummated the event.
See Through
Being pale was in during Medieval Europe. Women would use blue ink to draws blue veins on their skin. There were also special powders to whiten their appearance. Their goal was to make themselves look almost translucent.
Curing A Disease With Touch
One of the many diseases that ravaged Europeans was the King’s Evil, a kind of tuberculosis that appeared in the form of oozing black sores on someone’s neck. Until the 1700s, it was believed the only cure was the touch of a royal’s hand. That wasn’t an effective treatment.
Space Sachets
The church wanted to keep people pious and discouraged bathing, so they wouldn’t be forced to look at their own nakedness. To keep away some of the body odor, women would hide spice sachets in their bosoms and under their legs and arms.
That's What You Get
Right before the Bubonic plague swept through Europe, a pope had warned that witches were using cats for magic, and so, a bunch of jerks killed all the cats. Because of their cruelty, flea-ridden rats quite effectively spread the illness across the continent.
That's A Grudge
Pope Stephen VI really hated Pope Formosus. In 897, Stephen dug up Formosus’ body, put it on trial, found it guilty, and then cut off his index and middle finger, reburied him, and then retrieved the body from the fresh grave and threw it in the Tiber river. Can you imagine being there for that? What a wild ride.
Party At The Cemetery, Bro
Need a break from the pressures of medieval life? Party at the cemetery. These served as early townhalls and hosted events like elections, public trials, and even theatrical groups. Sex workers even frequented the area.
Catatonia
For about 18 months, King Henry VI was in a catatonic state, and no one knows why. After waking up, he became much more agreeable, though sometimes he had trouble recognizing his staff members. No one’s perfect.
A Terrible Famine
Besides the plague, there was also a terrible famine in the 14th century. From 1315 – 1317, three excessively wet summers ruined the crops in farmer’s fields, and at least 10% of Europe’s population starved to death.
Statues From The Other Side
For some reason, people wanted to be remembered as putrid, decaying corpses. If someone’s family had enough money, they would pay for an effigy of the dead person, which showed them as a rotting body. These medieval aesthetics … just no.
Mental Health Experts
People thought those suffering from mental health disorders were possessed by demons, immoral, or terrible sinners. They “solved” these problems with exorcisms, whipping, drilling a hole in someone’s head to release the evil energies. No, these didn't work either.
Keeping It Clean
Something surprising: medieval Europeans didn’t throw their chamber pot contents into the streets. Instead, they used latrines or local bodies of water. We’re not sure how modern researchers discovered this, but stay out of River Thames.
Church And State And Boiling Fat
Religion and government were heavily mixed at the time, so most Europeans had major hang-ups around sex. Experiencing sexual pleasure was a death sentence, so when Francesca Romana was forced to marry, she burned her genitals with boiling fat to take away any sensation.
Cruentation Kings
Europeans were fond of cruentation — the idea that a victim's body would spontaneously reveal who their slayer was. But this wasn’t at all real. Cruentation was 'used' until the late 1600s during trials, until medical researchers proved that this was an impossible system for justice.
Child Warriors
In 1212, some genius had the idea to do a Children’s Crusade — gathering children to try to convert Muslims to Christians instead. These child warriors made it to Italy before being betrayed by shop owners and sold into slavery.
Jugglers For The Win
During the Battle of Hastings, the Normans were concerned with their field position and sent out a juggler to entice the Saxons to attack them. This worked. The Saxons had the high ground, but lost this advantage and the entire battle, because they attacked the juggler.
Game Of Thrones But Real
This is something straight out of Game of Thrones: King Edward III needed more soldiers to defeat the French army, so he and his team went around to prisons and sketchy areas to collect fighters. These were some violent people, but they got the job done.
NO, NO, NO
This is one of the nastiest facts out there — fair warning. Saints were supposed to have healing powers. They licked wounds. They. Licked. Wounds. Sometimes they reported swallowing scabs or sucking out maggots. Shudder.
You Won't Like This Donkey
If there’s one thing medieval Europeans loved, it was torture. One method was the Judas Cradle, right, which was a giant triangular spike a prisoner would sit on — the point only had one place to go. The Spanish Donkey used a similar method.
Drawing And Quartering
Another method used for torture was drawing and quartering: dragging the victim behind a horse, hanging them until they were nearly dead, disemboweling the person, and finally cutting or putting them in four.
How Fun...And By Fun, We Mean Terrible
And let’s not forget the choke pear. A torturer would insert this into their victim’s orifice (dealer’s choice) and then expand it. We’re guessing the choke pear wasn’t sanitized after being used. People died afterward, so that probably wasn't the top priority.
The Iron Chair
There was also the Iron Chair. This is what it sounds like — an iron chair. The chair had sharp metal spikes that a prisoner sat on. They’d live through this, but when they stood up, the spike popped out, and their blood quickly followed.
Hope For This
If you were going to be punished, hope for this. Occasionally, the guilty would have to wear a weird animal mask around town, or sometimes had to wear a special sign with their crime on it for the rest of their life.
No comments: